A day of "down time".

I didn't do much of anything today. Got some laundry folded, straightened up the house a little; that's about it. At lunchtime I suggested we go to the Chinese Buffet for their $4.95 lunchtime special, and Husband and Young'un responded with enthusiasm. Off we went to stuff ourselves, and everything was delicious as always. However, when I got home I just wanted to lie down -- could hardly keep my eyes open for some reason. Just a quick nap...

When I woke up it was about 4:00 PM, rain was pounding the roof, and the sky outside was greeny-dark. Uh-oh. Was it supposed to do this? No matter, it was doing it, and downstairs I could hear the "tornado warning" announcement on TV. The wind was high, for sure. I went out the front door to look across the field, to the southwest, as I usually do in these situations. I didn't see any funnel clouds.

By 5:30 I decided I should make something for supper. I turned the TV to the national news... and found that it's very interesting to prepare a meal while having the dry heaves. This was the worst ever as far as my reaction. At one point they said Israel had called up more reserves, and I immediately ran to the computer to log on -- and found out somebody had turned it off. I turned it back on, then couldn't get on the internet. SHIT! That had happened the other morning when I turned it on, too. So I tried turning everything off, turning the router off, then back on... still nothing.

I flipped out. Sometimes I just can't take one more frustration. In tears I ran upstairs and asked Young'un to help me. He hurried to my rescue, and soon had everything working properly. I'd done almost everything I needed to do, except I should've also unplugged and replugged the wireless router in my off-and-on routine. Meantime Husband had come in and seen my distress, and he concentrated on comforting me while Young'un fixed the computer.

Honestly, I'm usually not this high-maintenance! It doesn't seem like me at all... I don't feel quite like me. I'm more upset than I let myself know. It kind of reminds me of the first few weeks after my father died -- I wrote in my notebook then that I "feel like I'm going around with an arm torn off, dealing with the shock and blood and pain, and somehow having to live my life and do the daily things that need to be done at work and at home..." Yes, that's about the way it feels now.

Well, I'm on vacation.

I don't have my usual light-as-a-feather, it's-vacation-time euphoria, of course. I don't think about the Middle East all the time, just most of the time. I know I have to live a normal life, or as normal as possible, and I'm trying my damnedest. I really, really miss my parents at a time like this... but at least I have their example, and that gives me something to strive for.

All day I've been checking the news sites periodically; the Jerusalem Post and Ha'aretz, and Google News. I watched NBC News, and Countdown on MSNBC. I've been slightly nauseated most of the day, and when I watch news reports about Israel I come really close to throwing up but so far I haven't.

Husband and MIL are going on a road trip tomorrow, so Young'un and I will be going over to her house a couple of times to feed and exercise Chloe the pug. He's also going over to one of his friends' house, to spend the afternoon in the pool. Temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s all weekend. I plan to do something nice for myself, like a leisurely shopping trip -- I know if Mom were here she'd be urging me to be very kind to myself.

Praying for Israel

This is the most helpless I've ever felt as a mom. My child and his whole country are in danger, and I'm on the other side of the world, and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. My thoughts have taken some shocking turns (shocking to me, anyway), but ultimately led me to a place of acceptance. I'm going to share those thoughts with you.

I was driving home from work, worrying and fretting, and it occurred to me that I needed to get my head in the game. If I got into an accident and was seriously injured, poor Firstborn would get that news on top of everything else he's going through. Then I thought, "And he'd come home."

That's not what I want, though! Or if it were, I'd also want his girlfriend to come, and her family, and his friends and co-workers, his landlord, the man who drove him to the hospital after his bike accident...

You see where I'm going with this. Namely, to the same place where another train of thought led me, earlier this afternoon. I was looking at the pictures that I have up on the walls of my cube: Firstborn eating pizza in a sidewalk cafe in Haifa, his girlfriend posing in her Army uniform, the two of them in a park-like setting, a Google Earth shot of his neighborhood. I saw the beauty of the scenery that surrounded my dear ones in those pictures, and I thought, "Don't bomb that! Don't shell that! It's so lovely, please leave it alone."

Firstborn loves Israel. His life is there, the life he made for himself; the life he loves. His girlfriend was born there, and so were her parents, and so were many of his friends. They all have deep roots there. It's their home. They're Israelis. And this -- fighting like hell when they're attacked; fighting for their lives -- is what they do. They don't hurry and get this over with, spend as little money and time on it as possible, fight war on the cheap. They give it everything they've got, for as long as they have to, and make whatever sacrifices are necessary. Because there is no alternative.

All this I have realized about my son and his life. Loving him as much as I do means wanting the very best for him, and this has to be what he would consider the very best. Which necessitates valuing what he values. Therefore what I want is him safe and sound, but on his terms: namely, also his home, his people, his surroundings, safe and sound. Tonight I'm praying for him, and for Israel.

Israel Under Attack

The news from my Firstborn's part of the world is nerve-wracking for a mom. Hostilities have been increasing between Israel and the Palestinians, and now Hezbollah has attacked Israel from Lebanon. According to the Jerusalem Post --

"The IAF on Wednesday began to issue call up orders in preparation for retaliatory air strikes against Hizbullah targets in Lebanon, Channel 2 reported. The air force will target power stations and Hizbullah outposts inside Lebanon.

"The army was also calling up reservists. Only weeks ago, an entire reserve division was drafted in order to train for an operation such as the one the IDF is planning in response to Wednesday morning's Hizbullah attacks on IDF forces along the northern border."

I've been monitoring the news all day, and this afternoon I was e-mailing back and forth with Firstborn. He's in the reserves, of course, but has not been called up yet. His girlfriend is currently serving in the army, stationed in an office in Tel Aviv. Because the fighting is on Israel's northern border, I was concerned about Haifa -- where he used to live, and has many friends as well as his girlfriend's family. He reassured me that things are fine in Haifa and in Tel Aviv where he lives. As for the general situation and what's going to happen next -- in Firstborn's own words, "things are a bit out of control at this point, so we can only wait and see."

I would appreciate any and all prayers and good thoughts for my son.