"Designed To Sell -- 1970s Edition"

I'd hate to tell you how many hours of HGTV's "Designed To Sell" Young'un and I have watched. We love that show, and watch it every night at 11:00 whether it's a rerun or not. In case you've never seen it, the show begins with the host and a real-estate expert walking through a house that's for sale, and the real-estate expert critiques the features of the house. The DTS team -- a designer, two carpenters, and the host -- will then come in and help the homeowners fix the problem areas and accentuate the selling features. The team has a $2,000 budget which the designer has to work within.

Well, Young'un and I have seen enough of these shows to know what kind of things give the real-estate expert the horrors, and the most often used pejorative is "dated" -- pronounced "DAAAAAAY-ted!" It occurred to us that all of these nausea-inducing decorative features were once the last word in modern design. With this in mind, we came up with a few things you'd be sure to hear on the 1970s edition of "Designed To Sell" -- featuring real-estate expert Bertha Freeman, designer Louisa LaPorta, and a generous $500 budget.

"We'll open up the space by covering this whole wall with gold-veined mirror tiles!"

"Bertha called the bathroom 'dark and dingy'. We're going to build you a beautiful and stylish light box to brighten it up!"

"We're giving the kitchen a makeover, complete with a modern butcher-block counter!"

"We'll bring the appliances up to date by covering them with this wood-grain contact paper!"

"Bertha said the bare wood floor in the bedroom was depressing. We're going to cover it with luxurious wall-to-wall sculptured shag carpeting!"

"We'll create an inviting conversation pit in your living room with this generously oversized, versatile modular sofa!"

Yes, I definitely would've watched that show -- unless it was scheduled opposite "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In", of course. ;-)