White Strips! Unpaid, unsolicited testimonial.

I don't usually do this... but I've simply got to share the discovery I made. I found a consumer product that actually solved a problem that had been bothering me for many, many years. And it's affordable! I'm talking about Crest Premium White Strips.

(Okay, anyone who thought this entry was going to involve Jack White -- it won't, but let's picture him in our minds, shall we? Mmmmmmmmmmmm....)

Yes. Well. For my entire adult life, my favorite beverages have been the ones that stain the teeth. I drink coffee all day at work, and iced tea with lemon at home. That's pretty much all I drink. I don't drink soda at all: it's practically pure sugar, which I don't need calorically; and I can't stand sugar-free soda because of the aftertaste. That stuff tastes like moose sweat. (Ten points for the reference.) As if drinking all this staintastic stuff weren't bad enough, I also spent several years as a smoker. All of this has been the sheerest hell on my teeth. I brush and floss faithfully, and go to the dentist for a cleaning every six months, but still my teeth were the color of old ivory.

Those of you who've seen photos of me might be puzzled right about now, because you've never noticed these purportedly yellow teeth. One word: Photoshop. But I'm not Photoshopping my teeth anymore, because they're white! They sparkle! They haven't looked this good since probably the late 1970s. I shit you not.

At my most recent dental appointment, I asked my dentist about bleaching treatments. My teeth are horrifically sensitive; I have to use special toothpaste for sensitive teeth, and fluoride rinses, and I still can't drink anything especially hot or cold. I thought this would mean that I couldn't use any kind of bleaching agent. I imagined putting it on, feeling it soak into my wimpy enamel, and experiencing the kind of agony that would make the Marquis de Sade feel all warm and fuzzy. Not true, said my dentist. Any such treatment might make my teeth a little more sensitive at the time I was using it, but that would pass. I could have it done at the dentist's office if I wanted to, but that would cost more than $200 -- and Crest White Strips would probably do just as well. Oh, really? It so happened I had a coupon from Amazon.com for $5.00 off on Premium White Strips. Click click, yes use my Amazon card; it's on its way to me.

The merchandise arrived a couple of days before our trip to Las Vegas, and I started the treatments the day before we left. You apply the strips to upper and lower teeth and leave them on for 30 minutes, twice a day, for seven days. You can do the 30-minute periods one right after the other if you want to. We'd be getting ready to leave the hotel and I'd say, "Just a sec, I'm gonna do White Strips", and I'd put them on. Then while we were out and about I'd glance at my watch every now and then, and when a half-hour had passed I'd remove them with a tissue and drop it in the nearest trash can.

The packaging says you'll notice a difference after three days. Well, I noticed after two, and so did Husband, but after the full seven days the results were truly spectacular. Twenty-some years of coffee and tea, cigarettes and wine, have all been erased from my teeth!

Hardly ever do I come across a consumer product that I can recommend enthusiastically, but this one has me thinking in exclamation points! If your teeth are stained and you'd like them white and sparkly, this is the product for you.